


if there was a god you wouldn’t exist

by lemonv



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Author is projecting onto Technoblade, Canon Lesbian Character, Child Neglect, Cutting, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/F, Flashbacks, GIRL I FORGOT THE DEAD DOVE TAG, Genderbending, Inspired by a Banshee song, Middle School, Oops., Panic Attacks, Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm, Songfic, Sort Of, Technoblade and Wilbur are girls, Technoblade-centric (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit is not related to SBI, Verbal Abuse, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade are Siblings, problematic, religious trauma, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:15:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29539476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonv/pseuds/lemonv
Summary: late at night techno recalls horrible memoriesthis is NOT incest oh my god. this is written about things that my sister and i went through so if you see wilbur and techno in this fic as a romantic way i will kill you
Relationships: TommyInnit/Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	if there was a god you wouldn’t exist

**Author's Note:**

> i’m writing about past memories most of this stuff has actually happened to me i’m just projecting
> 
> basically a general description: techno and tommy are in 7th grade, wilbur is in 8th. techno and wilbur are sisters
> 
> please don’t be mad at me for writing this. i’m writing things that actually happened to me and sharing it so others can cope with my work

techno shook in her bed as she cried. she didn’t want to remember this. it was horrible. it was so terrible. why couldn’t she forget everything that had happened and live like it never did?

_i remember all the times_

_i said goodnight on facetime_

in the past she had, well, dated a girl she went to school with. everything seemed okay. they were both girls, so it was okay, right?

_wishing i’d wake up and_

_everything would be just fine_

it was’t fine. at all. her girlfriend was a horrible person. in class her girlfriend would touch her when the teacher wasn’t looking. sit in the back of the class. hands on her chest, hands on her ass.

tommy was aware of what had been happening but he was too scared to tell anyone. they wouldn’t listen to him if he told what’d been happening to techno, right? they wouldn’t believe him!

_one night i just snapped_

_and said ‘i love you but goodbye’_

_forever haunted by_

_the things i wish i said that night_

eventually techno decided to stand up for herself. in an attempt to save herself, and her sister, wilbur, who’d also fallen victim to the things her girlfriend had done, she decided to break up with her.

“we’re done.” she had said that day. “the things you did were horrible, why would you do this to me?” techno was absolutely upset.

“what the hell is wrong with you? how many other girls did you do this to?!” the girl yelled, referring to the fact that her girlfriend had been moved to a separate class for someone making the teachers aware that she had been touching girls… in a sexual way. without any consent.

the taller, messed up, girl was silent as techno yelled at her that afternoon. anyone could have seen this. they had just finished up with their school for the day and were heading to their buses. the two of them lived nearby so they had waited daily, with wilbur, for the bus to arrive to take them home.

_i don’t believe girls like you deserve to live_

_and if there was a god_

_i don’t believe that you’d exist_

techno cries more as she holds onto a stuffed animal that she liked. it helped to bring her comfort in times like this. sure, techno didn’t believe in any sort of god. she wasn’t even allowed to. philza wouldn’t approve of that!

philza hated when his children practiced religion! because that’s what killed his father, correct? he had blamed god for when his father passed, and grew a hatred for all sorts of religion.

as a child, techno and her sisters lived with their mother and their grandmother. their grandmother was the opposite of philza, and she had forced religion onto them. sure, even after all of this, wilbur found comfort in it, and would secretly learn and practice it. techno on the other hand didn’t, it felt horrible to think about. she wouldn’t believe in a god! but _holy shit_ did she wish that she did. if there were a god, none of this would have happened, right?

_death is the way to_

_repent for all your sins_

_and until then_

_may you itch inside your skin_

gosh, techno wanted her dead. she wanted to see the taller woman suffer for everything that she had done. according to things her grandmother said, the bit she remembers from her childhood, the things she heard at school. it was a sin, right? and sinners, they go to hell, right? and that’s where they suffer?

techno let out a weak sob. she felt bad for wishing death upon her abusers. she was a horrible person for this, surely. she couldn’t stop crying.

_my eyes feel like_

_they’re bleeding from_

_crying all night_

the girl didn’t get much sleep that night. she’d spent the night crying and thinking about it as the memories of what had happened rushed back to her. techno had an urge to relapse, to harm herself once more. something to focus on that wasn’t the horrible memories of her childhood and ex.

and so she did. she had grabbed her razor from the bathroom and sat down, shaking as the blade hit her thigh.

she felt so weak.

in a panic, she looked for something to stop the bleeding, but she couldn’t find anything to stop it. _fuck._

the girl stood up to go and try to look in her parents room for something. it was painful. she ended up falling on the floor, tripping over something that she’d knocked over while coming into the bathroom to do...that.

philza had heard the noise from downstairs and came up to investigate. he opened the door and saw techno sitting down in the corner of the bathroom, curled up in a ball.

“techno?” he asked. the girl looked up at him with shaky eyes, crying. she sniffled, trying to hide herself.

the man walked over to her and tried to look at her. he saw her bloodied thighs and grew upset. _why would his daughter do this to herself?!_

_you were yelling all night_

_you said i’m the one_

_who needed to seek help_

_you were right_

_cause you fucked me up for life_

_yeah you fucked me up for life_

the man had yelled at his daughter for what felt like several hours, he was so angry at her. calling her retarded for doing badly in school, and assuming that she was doing this to try and cope with it. told her to die. saying that he wished he had normal kids, all as wilbur stood in the doorway. techno just wanted to run away, honestly. she wanted a way to escape.

_i don’t believe men like you deserve to live_

_and if there was a god_

_i don’t believe that you’d exist_

the next morning techno packed her bag for school. she walked with wilbur to the bus stop once more, like usual. another day of ignoring her ex on the way to school. wilbur was praying that she wouldn’t see her at all that morning.

techno couldn’t stop thinking about what happened with philza. she wanted to tell someone so badly. tell them about what’d been happening at home. all the things her father had said. all the times he had ignored her. the man didn’t even know what had happened with techno’s ex girlfriend, and, to be honest, didn’t even know that said person existed!

this was absolutely neglect, right? but, if they told anyone that, would they believe that? in the end of the day, techno wanted her father dead. she wanted her ex girlfriend dead. she wanted everyone who had hurt her dead.

_death is the way to_

_repent for all your sins_

_and until then_

_may you itch inside your skin_


End file.
